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V/A: Close-Up Magazine #126

16/11/10 || cadenz

In Sweden we have this thing called Close-Up Magazine. Most metalheads subscribe to this printed mag, its articles and reviews focusing mostly on all kinds of metal with some hardcore and punk thrown in for good measure. It is excellent. I’ve been reading CUM since the 90’s, and subscribers receive a compilation CD featuring songs from recent or upcoming releases. Yesterday, the mailman CUMmed issue #126 into my mailbox, and I came up with the hilarious plan to write a review of all the tracks. Without knowing what bands are featured. Meaning, I just insert the CD into my boombox-ah, and off we go! This way I’ll be able to judge the music without any prejudices, and I’ll have to listen with a sharper focus. You’re getting a totally unbiased review here on all bands. Obviously, this could get entertaining as you get to laugh your ass off when I’m way off the mark and rave madly about how fabulous the blastbeats and screeching black metal vocals are on the latest offering from Crazy Frog. Where the fuck did that fucker go by the way?

Enter disc into CD player, press ‘Play’:

01. Monster Magnet: Gods and Punks. We start off with some grungey stoner rock. The singer sounds like a very tired Chris Cornell. Not jumping out of joy here, as I’ve heard these riffs a million times before. Moving more into fucken Nickelback territory now. Some American shit band, for sure. 3

02. Melechesh: Grand Gathas of Baal Sin. Wow. This singer probably eats pixies for breakfast, which means he’s a cannibal ‘cause he sounds like a fucken gnome. At least he did in the intro, he gets up to average after that. Fast kick drums and blastbeats…black metal with a little Immortal vibe to it. Some cool thrash riffage pops up from the dense song structure with not many memorable riffs. It’s like any given Hollywood action film; the editing makes you go epileptic as you get three thousand camera angles per second. There’s just too much (incoherent) information coming my way. Some cool parts still lift this up above average. 6

03. Facebreaker: Reanimating the Dead. Oh yeah. Pounding my flesh is some proper death metal. Too hi-tech production, I miss some sikk vibes. Good raw growls, but the riffs bring nothing new under the sun. 6

04. Therion: Sitra Ahra. (2 seconds in.) Fuck no, this must be Therion. The new album blows fucken goat penis, and it is very evident here. It’s like Johnsson wanted to use the same puzzle pieces which have worked before, but forgot them in his trousers’ pockets in the laundry, and they came back all disfigured, miscolored and broken. 2

05. October Tide: The Dividing Line. This sounds very Finnish for some reason. It’s like Insomnium with Tomi Joutsen (Amorphis) on growls. I like the sombre but still rockish atmosphere, but I can imagine the drummer falling asleep playing the same slow-to-mid-tempo fucken patterns over and over. I get some old Katatonia vibes from this as well, will definitely check this out! 8

06. Tank: Judgement Day. Fuck, these guitarists’ playing is as tight as a 78-year-old male crack whore’s bunghole after a good 4-on-1 pounding. Quite good vocalist, but the melodies and riffs are so ripped off from Iron Maiden and other classic 80’s heavy metal legions that it’s fucken disgusting. Especially the chorus is just…wow. Awaiting the solo now…and there it kicks in. Dual guitar harmonies, whaddayaknow! This is garbage, stay away. 3

07. Evocation: We Are Unified Insane. I love to get my face torn off and handed to me, death metal style. After the frantic intro I was a little disappointed when trebly croaks entered the picture instead of meaty growls. No mercy here, these guys (or gals) pummel us to dust with two-beats and steady riffing. 7

08. Despite: Clenched. Aggro metal with demo quality production. These guys’ biggest influence is spelled Slipknot, though there is (thankfully) no melodic singing. Not many can pull those off as well as Corey Taylor so choose wisely before putting your half-assed groans on tape. I really like the riffs, they’re certainly not predictable and there’s lots of variation into breakdown and slower melodic territory in the other half of the song. Get some proper production next time, fuckos! 7

09. The Scams: Black Widow. (2 seconds in.) AC/DC wannabes. (Vocals kick in.) KISS wannabes. Not bad but what the fuck…why are you doing this?! This has been done before by, oh, let me think, AC/DC!!! And KISS!!!!!! Well-done party rock with a negative three million originality points. 5

10. Immaculate: The Immaculate Dead. OK…some 80’s riffing, from hell, and here come the vocals…FUCK. I think my head just exploded. The highest fucken sound I’ve ever heard seared through my brain and made it go ‘ka-blip’. This vocalist must be a fucken female castrate on helium singing in falsetto, and then pitched up three octaves. After a head transplant I can make out that these King Diamond-esque vocals are accompanied by cool old school NWOBHM with cool riffs. I think I’ll give him another shot. Must buy helmet. 7

11. Germ Bomb: Dogs from the Wasteland. D-beat bonanza. Annoying singer, but aren’t all in crust/punk bands. A cool tremolo effect on the guitars fades in, and out, and then I get on with not caring. Aggressive and to the point, not too shabby but totally forgettable. 5

12. Caliber 666: Let the Blood Flow. Old school death metal with a muddy production and evil guitar melodies. The sound is too mushy, but I dig the riffs and there’s definitely a sense of honest craving for death, gore and mastication in the air. And as we all know, the atmosphere is the shit in all of music. 7

13. Insekt: The Stench, the War, the Slamming Doors. The last track is usually reserved to the band with the best contribution on this issue’s demo review page. A great idea, as it gives generous PR to unknown and up-and-coming talents. This is some weird mix of post-rock, hardcore and metal. Not too far off from Refused or Cult of Luna, in terms of lack of respect for genre boundaries. Good innovative stuff with an original sound. Keep an eye out on these fellas! 7

The battle is over…and CadenZ is permitted to see the track listing.

Ahh, so many unknown bands, I am not surprised I didn’t recognize more than Therion. All in all this was quite interesting, and made me listen to the songs with a slightly different attitude. For example, the new Facebreaker album was in the latest edition of Audio Autopsy, and I didn’t think for one second that the production would be too sterile or clean. The overall quality was higher than expected, although there were no fabulous or fantastic slabs this time around. This edition’s winner is October Tide with their morose moods and distinct growls.

Thanks for Close-Up for always providing us loyal subscribers with aural examples of new releases, you guys rock. If you want, I can give you permission to use this handcrafted slogan: CUM or die!

Information
Released: 2010
Label: Close-Up Magazine
Website: www.closeupmagazine.net
Band
Various fucks: various fuck tools

Tracklist
01. Monster Magnet: Gods and Punks
02. Melechesh: Grand Gathas of Baal Sin
03. Facebreaker: Reanimating the Dead
04. Therion: Sitra Ahra
05. October Tide: The Dividing Line
06. Tank: Judgement Day
07. Evocation: We Are Unified Insane
08. Despite: Clenched
09. The Scams: Black Widow
10. Immaculate: The Immaculate Dead
11. Germ Bomb: Dogs from the Wasteland
12. Caliber 666: Let the Blood Flow
13. Insekt: The Stench, the War, the Slamming Doors

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